Everything is fine.

It’s okay if you only save one person. And it’s okay if that person is you.

I wrote these words in the notes app of my phone as I was sitting in organic chemistry class trying to fight off an anxiety attack.

I had yet to realize that my anxiety doesn’t do too well with being “fought off.” I ended up walking out of the lecture hall and crying silently all the way to my dorm.

My plan was to fold the heap of laundry that was waiting for me. Hopefully that would get my mind off of how hard organic chemistry was and how little I wanted to be a doctor.

As soon as I got to my room, I climbed onto my top bunk (@soulbesos if you’re reading this thanks for being the best bunk bed buddy anyone could ask for ). While my laundry sat in the corner, I sobbed and screamed for two hours.

I yelled at the memory of my grandmother, who had passed the year before, resenting the way she had taught me to “respect my parents” (first commandment with promise!) despite the fact that they were physically and emotionally abusive. I found myself saying that I hoped she was proud of me for letting my parents bully me into pursuing medicine even though I was miserable.

As I’m deepening my healing journey, I go back to that memory often. I imagine current me sitting on that top bunk with the crying 19 year old and giving them a hug. I imagine telling 19 year old me that we turned out okay, and that grandma actually is really proud of the person we’ve decided to become.

This morning in my meditation, I was re-connected with that phrase: “it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”

In fact, if you’re healing from trauma (as defined by YOU and no one else), I’d really encourage that the person you focus on saving be yourself.

I’ve found that my capacity to hold space for others has grown immeasurably as I’ve allowed myself to be held...both in my own arms and in the arms of an incredible support system that I still struggle to feel worthy of sometimes.

Just wanted to stop by and say that you’re doing a great job, and that prioritizing your own healing is 10,000% absolutely enough of a contribution to the world.