2. Resist, Detach, Manifest, Repeat.
Last week I posted a video on YouTube called “Why Changing Your Life Doesn’t Work.” In it, I talked about various attempts I’d made to bring about drastic life changes in hopes of finding happiness. Without giving all of it away, the moral of the story was that now I’m in a place where I don’t need my life to change in order to be happy. Well, the universe has a sense of humor.
Within days of shooting that video, I sat in deep meditation and found myself feeling very un-obligated to pursue a master’s degree. For context, I am currently pursuing a master’s degree. Like, right now. This was an incredibly trippy process, and one that I’ll definitely go into when the time is right. But the point here is that upon realizing that I didn’t have to be in grad school, I developed an extreme apathy around it. And now, here I am, making drastic life changes.
I am the kind of person who shows up on purpose or not at all, so realizing that I had no intrinsic interest in grad school made it very easy for me to check out. I’m going through the process of formalizing a leave of absence from my program, giving myself the chance to decide to come back intentionally if it feels right in the future. As soon as I let go of the idea that changing my life was the key to satisfaction, I opened up the possibility to change my life purely because I feel like it.
This principle is not new to me, and probably isn’t new to you either. Have you ever heard someone say that their romantic partner fell into their lap as soon as they stopped “looking for love”? If not, you’re about to hear (read) me saying it right now. After detoxing from a very unhealthy relationship and not seeing anyone romantically or sexually for nearly a year, I woke one morning and realized that I could have a romantic partner, that I felt ready. I had done some deep unlearning and realized that I didn’t need to have a partner for external validation or to build up my self worth. I had done some journaling about lessons learned in my previous relationship, and made notes in the margins for what I would do differently next time. I discovered, among other things, that my ideal partnership would come with someone I already knew and trusted deeply as a friend.
Later that day, yes, that exact day, I FaceTimed with one of my best friends from college. When we met almost three years ago, I knew that I had romantic feelings for this person. We even talked about my feelings, but the timing wasn’t right, as we were both about to graduate and move to opposite sides of the country. Plus, they kind of had a monogamous girlfriend. So, you know, it was just not in the cards. Throughout the years we had managed to grow a strong friendship, sharing intimate, radical journeys about our gender identities and our personal relationships with monogamy. After this particular FaceTime call, my friend texted these exact words: “hey I don’t really know how to say this and I always chicken out…but I think I’ve been developing romantic feelings for you.” I’m sure you know how the story ends.
The principle of detachment has managed to work its way into countless spiritual traditions, and honestly I think they’re on to something. It makes me think a lot about my current favorite new-age personal development saying: “what you resist persists.” By resisting something, like trying really really hard not to get anxious, you call that very thing or experience into your life and give it staying power. But, by letting go completely, you also call experiences into your life. So which is it then? Honestly, I think it’s a bit of both. With the examples of my master’s program and my relationship, I did have to resist at first. I intentionally said I would stop making drastic life changes in pursuit of happiness. I deliberately did not date for a year. Through that resistance, I was able to let go, and through letting go, I called in a more authentic version of my life.
Maybe I’ll start applying this on purpose for a change, since it’s worked on accident a couple of times. I invite you to try this with me, and please, let me know how it goes.